Of Time and Space

Watching Ben 10: Alien Force today makes me feel nostalgic. Ah, the concepts of black hole and time warp are just the cure that I need whenever I reminisce about growing up. There are things that I want to change if I can go back to the past. Like, stopping myself from chewing my nails (I get to have horribly deformed nails because of this nasty habit of mine). Oh, and then there was the time when I changed my mind about pursuing art when I was in primary school. I wished I didn't stop going to classes back then. There is another thing. I wish I have rejected the offer for Bachelor of Education in IIUM. It's a burden to my mental health. I've become extremely narcissistic and neurotic to the point that I am blunt in voicing my opinion. Too blunt, I'd say, that my words can cause serious concussion to other people's self-esteem. I also refuse to believe that there is always a degree of goodness in every single being. I used to believe in second chances. Now, I reject everything that can be called ' giving another chance after making mistake'.

How I wish to be naive again so that my eyes can see things without being pejorative in every single aspect that I can find in human beings. I've become so obsessed with getting answers, I refuse to anything other options than black and white: no excuse can soothe my anger if someone else messes up my pace. My current mental image: annihilator. I get rid of those who obstruct my path, regardless of our relationship's status.

It's kind of terrible to grow up. You either become self-centred or pushover. I'm the later type. I don't care how much harm I cause others as long as I'm safe and secured: I love myself first, second and third. I do fulfil expectations put on me, whenever I feel like putting any efforts to please people. However, I don't do things that do not benefit me: there is always incentive behind everything I do. Kind of a horrible revelation when I reflect about my own personality.

That's why I wish I can turn back the time and somehow fix my bad traits. Which is impossible (going back to the past that is). The only thing that I can do now is acquire positive habits to balance out my negative personality. It's tough, though. Being nice is one thing that requires the most effort for me (laugh).