Being a good daughter, I tried to apply for PTPTN loan (my mom does not approve of taking loan). So, I tried to apply it secretly. My friend told me,"Ask your mother first." Ok, so I called her and lo! She scolded me because I asked her about the mentioned topic.
"Kenapa nak membazir? Kan mak boleh bayar. Tak payah nak gedik ambik ptptn. Mak tau kau nak berbelanja lebih. Jangan asyik ikut kawan. Diorang tu suka membazir."
....My mom just never understands other people have financial difficulties (including her own daughter lah)
It's not fair. I have to work my butt off to cover my stipend allowance.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
I turned 20 but I've stopped aging way before that
I have just celebrated my 20th birthday last Saturday (reluctantly due to persistent effort of denying time has caught me under it's wings) and thank God! nothing happens (discounting my sudden weight gain, at least nothing radical).
I was having periodical depression and fugue (fyi, it's a state of temporary blankness where a person in fugue state go over to places without realizing what he's doing, unable to recall memories of what he has done after the fugue period)for over 3 weeks, with fear hanging heavily over me: I don't want to be an adult. I think I had some sort of Peter Pan syndrome, excluding the merry-making, cheerfulness and pranks of children of Neverland.
The only good thing that I can think of happened to me was having a 3 months break from UIA. This small comfort, too will vanish in less than 1 week. Huu...I have class next week T_T
Talking about passing through life, there's a poem that I feel fit the description of the process of aging.
Roads go ever ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains in the moon.
Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.
Eyes that fire and sword have seen
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green
And trees and hills they long have known
This poem, from "The Hobbit" by Tolkien is how Bilbo Baggins describes his journey with Thorin & Co. thieving from Smaug. Though, my interpretation of this lovely poem is deviantly far off. I feel that the first line in the first stanza symbolizes the process of living, a journey from one adventure to another. Lol. I've seen tinders and small fires but I've not quite yet reach the pinnacle of my series of adventure in life; as far as I'm concerned, the dragon that needs slaying in my life is not yet here at the moment: no huge crisis that threatens me to the extent of perishable condition for the time being.
Until the dragon that needs slaying come, I shall prepare myself as extensively as I can with gathered wits and conventional wisdom on problem solving methods.
I was having periodical depression and fugue (fyi, it's a state of temporary blankness where a person in fugue state go over to places without realizing what he's doing, unable to recall memories of what he has done after the fugue period)for over 3 weeks, with fear hanging heavily over me: I don't want to be an adult. I think I had some sort of Peter Pan syndrome, excluding the merry-making, cheerfulness and pranks of children of Neverland.
The only good thing that I can think of happened to me was having a 3 months break from UIA. This small comfort, too will vanish in less than 1 week. Huu...I have class next week T_T
Talking about passing through life, there's a poem that I feel fit the description of the process of aging.
Roads go ever ever on,
Over rock and under tree,
By caves where never sun has shone,
By streams that never find the sea;
Over snow by winter sown,
And through the merry flowers of June,
Over grass and over stone,
And under mountains in the moon.
Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.
Eyes that fire and sword have seen
And horror in the halls of stone
Look at last on meadows green
And trees and hills they long have known
This poem, from "The Hobbit" by Tolkien is how Bilbo Baggins describes his journey with Thorin & Co. thieving from Smaug. Though, my interpretation of this lovely poem is deviantly far off. I feel that the first line in the first stanza symbolizes the process of living, a journey from one adventure to another. Lol. I've seen tinders and small fires but I've not quite yet reach the pinnacle of my series of adventure in life; as far as I'm concerned, the dragon that needs slaying in my life is not yet here at the moment: no huge crisis that threatens me to the extent of perishable condition for the time being.
Until the dragon that needs slaying come, I shall prepare myself as extensively as I can with gathered wits and conventional wisdom on problem solving methods.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Gender bender
There is a stage in life where you start questioning about your sexuality. Nothing as crazy as doubting your sexuality after being mojoed by a loco gypsy-magician (like in "Lalola"), but more on whether you have the sexual quality of of your fixed gender. This confusion applies to both gender. For example, you are a man, and like normal, heterosexual man, you found women in general, are attractive. But so are men (attractive, I mean).Okay, this is where we tread on dangerous water. You find yourself doubting about your sexuality. You start to question yourself, "Am I a gay?" or "Am I a bi?".
Sounds familiar? You might start getting heebie jeebies when you give this topic a thought. I know I did. I like men (with the exception of orang utan-looking man). I love to see how they smile, their gestures, their gait. Simply put, I love oggling hunky dory guys. BUT, I also find women enchanting to look at; their carefully painted eyes, their flirtatious sway, the way their legs move (women with long legs are simply eye-poppers), and their breasts. I know it sounds disgusting; I felt that way too when I caught myself thinking like that, scared the hell out of me. I thought, "Shit! I can't be bisexual, that's like incest to like girls and it's disgusting!"
It's an uncomfortable situation to be in, what's with the taboo of having sex talk and all. I couldn't bring the topic out and talk about this to anyone. I was ashamed, scared and disgusted at myself.
After some time, I came across a few others who faced the same dilemma, and some of them had overcome this confusion about their sexuality. It turned out that my fear was baseless. Some people do find people of same gender attractive: it's all in physical attraction chemistry. I just misinterpreted my attraction of other females as an omen of turning into a bi. It just happens that like many others, I'm easily attracted to people with attractive physiques, regardless of gender. Phew, am I glad to confirm my own sexuality.
Sounds familiar? You might start getting heebie jeebies when you give this topic a thought. I know I did. I like men (with the exception of orang utan-looking man). I love to see how they smile, their gestures, their gait. Simply put, I love oggling hunky dory guys. BUT, I also find women enchanting to look at; their carefully painted eyes, their flirtatious sway, the way their legs move (women with long legs are simply eye-poppers), and their breasts. I know it sounds disgusting; I felt that way too when I caught myself thinking like that, scared the hell out of me. I thought, "Shit! I can't be bisexual, that's like incest to like girls and it's disgusting!"
It's an uncomfortable situation to be in, what's with the taboo of having sex talk and all. I couldn't bring the topic out and talk about this to anyone. I was ashamed, scared and disgusted at myself.
After some time, I came across a few others who faced the same dilemma, and some of them had overcome this confusion about their sexuality. It turned out that my fear was baseless. Some people do find people of same gender attractive: it's all in physical attraction chemistry. I just misinterpreted my attraction of other females as an omen of turning into a bi. It just happens that like many others, I'm easily attracted to people with attractive physiques, regardless of gender. Phew, am I glad to confirm my own sexuality.
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