The Edge of Legitimacy

21. The legitimate age of adulthood. Many websites sanctioned for adults will be accessible once you're one (an adult). It's the only thing that makes it worth a while to think that I'm turning 21 this Sunday (sigh).

There are certain issues that have been playing in my mind lately due to, of course, aging factor. Like, " LIVE LIKE A VIRGIN BUT WHO THE HELL WANTS TO BE ONE FOREVER. IT SUCKS". Or, "I'M FINANCIALLY UNSECURED. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO LEECH MY MOM UNTIL I CAN EARN MY OWN MONEY?". And then there's "IN WHAT DIRECTION AM I GOING TO BE IN THE FUTURE?" I am still confused to what I'm going to be in the future. I'm questioning myself what mettle, and what strength do I possessed, what profession should I choose: I'm in limbo. You fear what you don't know. I do not fear this uncertainty that I have. I am terrified of it. What if don't graduate cum laude? If I don't then can I still get a good job? What if I can't get a job at all? If I manage to get one, will I excel in it, or would I fail miserably? What if I don't fit in the scheme of the society?

Time moves on on without waiting anyone. You do something, then you can't reverse it back. That's why you weigh your options and make your decisions carefully so that you can avoid making mistakes or minimize negative outcomes. My reasoning sounds logical but then there is this tiny voice inside my head that says "Even if you try to make the best decisions in your life, you're bound to make mistakes. One or two of those can turn up to be something major. You miss up a step, and there's bound to be a time when you can't even do damage control. When that time comes, you're toast." I get scared thinking about it. I don't think I can fall back and cry for help from my family. My parents are practically undependable, especially my father.

Adulthood is a terrifying thing. It's sort of like plunging yourself in a deep dark hole, having faith that it's only a few metres deep instead of three thousands feet and everything hope that everything is going to turn up ok in the end.

This is my confession: I'm scared of being an adult. Call me stupid, tell me I'm immature or anything, but being an adult is one of my innermost fear.